So I know that my last update was like 3 years ago. Feels like the time has flown. I really thought that I was going to keep up with the blog but that fell to the wayside when my life kept taking turn after turn.
I was kindly "advised that NICU isn't the place for me to do nursing" - all because my cares on teeny tiny babies was too slow. Sheesh I was learning. It's not like I did any placements in NICU but I was expected to know how to make such tiny babies eat and be fast when changing their diapers or changing their linens.
So I essentially gave up on my dream - I gave it a shot at least and came back to my family. We spent some time figuring things out. I had to work for an agency and do part time work as a RPN/LPN until my NNAS (National Nurses Assessment Service) - for them to determine whether my education and experience is enough to receive equivalency for the college in my province to give me the ability to practice as a RN. That process took about 9 months and thank the Lord that I did (I'm pretty darn lucky as far as I've heard).
Then I started working in an ER (third busiest in my province) while I was taking MORE education - my critical care certificate (CCC)... so that I would be more prepared for what I would see in the ER or IF I wanted to move to the ICU, that I would be prepared for that as well. I was planning to stay in the ER but was getting screwed over where I was. They were promoting people to the more serious area before me - ones who had less nursing experience, were in the ER less time than me and didn't have the CCC - hell one of them didn't even have cardiac care 1 - which would mean that these people would at least have the knowledge, skill and judgement to take care of people who are under continuous cardiac monitoring. So I cut out of there and started applying to hospitals in the area in which I live. I got several job interviews and in the end, got a job offer during one of the interviews in fact! I ended up taking the ICU job - started that in January.
So I've been learning a TON working in the ICU with adults. It really is a different can of worms than working with babies in the NICU. I'm enjoying it for the most part. Until COVID hit that is.
I can't really remember how much I've said about my immunity issues (I think I've talked about it all) - but long story short - I have immunity issues. I have IgG deficiencies and I'm also taking Humira for an autoimmune condition (Hidrdinitis Supprativa - AKA Acne Inversa) - and we know that my immune system isn't the best at the best of times (though I have been lucky that I've been pretty healthy lately). So when COVID hit I requested that I not have to take any of these patients. I had a couple of good charge nurses who were alright with it until there was one that threw a fit and then I had to take it to the manager and start the official steps. So then I contacted occupational health (with whom I had sent all my health documentation to about my immune system issues) and asked them for a workplace accommodation. Of course they were giving me issues and so I took this information to my physician and asked for a letter to give them. Thankfully he did, mainly because he agreed that if I did get one of these patients and I contracted COVID, that I would likely end up on a ventilator. So once I handed in the documentation I finally got the workplace accommodation to not take any COVID suspected, presumptive or confirmed cases.
Of course there are some people, including my manager who question why I even work in the ICU if I have such a compromised immune system. Which I mean, I get. But the thing is is that the vast majority of people that we take care of in the ICU have treatments available that I could receive IF I were to catch anything that they have. Unfortunately, at this time the same can't be said about COVID at this point in time. I mean, even if we were to get inundated with COVID patients, there are always going to be ICU patients, or CCU patients (ours is a combined unit). I've convinced a lot of people with this next argument - wouldn't you rather me take care of ICU patients while you take care of COVID patients (or other ICU patients), meaning that we're both on a 1:1 - instead of me working elsewhere and then that potentially means that you would be doubled with an ICU patient. Of course when people hear this aspect, they always agree and drop the argument. So I haven't been reassigned elsewhere. To which I am quite thankful for. I didn't start working in ICU to be reassigned elsewhere.
As all this is occuring, I'm trying to convince hubby to FINALLY have another baby. He keeps saying "soon" - but 11yrs have come and gone with him constantly saying "soon". This has made me quite upset with him cuz I've given him 10+ yrs to get on with the soon bit. He kept saying that I had to do this task or meet this provision - all of which I did. But alas, he still says "soon". Now he wants me to do my critical care certification - and my nurse practitioner (NP) but I've told him I won't do any of it until such a time that I am pregnant with our next bambino/ini. He tells me that because he is accepted into a training opportunity (he doesn't want me putting it out into the world where he's been accepted because he hasn't yet gone for training) he doesn't want me to be pregnant while he is away. Also, he wants to be secured in knowing that he will succeed at training and will go forward to be placed that then he'd be willing to have more children. And of course because of this damn COVID pandemic, his training got cancelled until who knows when. I just don't know if he understands how difficult it may make becoming pregnant the longer he keeps putting this off. He thinks that once and done. I'm no longer young - it may take some time and much practice to be pregnant again. Also, it hurts my feelings (not that I think he cares much of that) that he continues to put this off.
Throughout the years I have willingly put off having more babies because it was in our best interests to put it off. It would have been more difficult because we didn't have the space for more kiddos, and it would have made getting my education completed more difficult as well. Hell it was hard enough having one little one, let alone more. Though I have learned that I can muster through my education regardless of having littles running around.
I have sacrificed a TON being married to my hubby. I moved because he hated the city we were in. I have lived in a tiny house, in the basement for MANY years. I have suffered being under the same house as his family - with frequent fighting. I have put off having more children because hubby deems it so. At what point does he start giving me what I need? What he agreed to when we got married. It's not like we're hurting financially either. He told me just this past year that if I saved up like $6000 that he would agree to more - well I've certainly done that, and more! And yet he still says the same damn thing - SOON. God I hate that word. It certainly doesn't denote the same meaning it once did. But I don't know how to convince him to just say yes, now we can.
UGGGGGHHHHHHH - I just want to scream at him.
Honestly I told him that I would leave him on my bday - it happens next month. I will though, if that's what it takes for him to finally relent. I hate that it would have to come to that. But clearly his priorities for our family aren't the same as mine. I'm done putting this off. I don't want to take any longer than this has already. It's a shame that he'll have to choose between having me and having more babies or losing me because he doesn't want any more babies. Stupid that he's acting that way, also that I have to make this decision. But I will if I have to. I thought we were aligned in the important aspects, but this is clearly one major area that we don't - or do we?
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