Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Update to the drama - and some more

Little tyke has improved - THANKFULLY! Not that her Dr was any help! I ended up having to follow up with a different doc and so she got better.

My oc-health time frame is up and so I was hoping that I could start back at work full shift work and all - any amount of time or shift throughout the week. And then I got another abcess - no fistula this time thankfully and it opened up and relieved itself (so to speak).... so then that puts the kibosh to getting back to work how I wanted.... made an appointment with the surgeon - who indicated to me that he thinks this situation may just be permanent - something that I'm going to have to deal with. He signed my papers to continue my work schedule for another three months.

Oh for the drama....

I'm not getting any younger - and neither is hubby for that matter. Little tyke has been bugging us for siblings. Hubby and I have always agreed that once I'm done my degree THEN we would continue the baby making process. Then last month he asked me to have a baby. I told him no and reiterated that we had agreed to wait til after the degree.

Then he comes home from work the other day, crawls into bed and whispers in my ear and asks me to have another baby. I told him no and went back to sleep. But that whole day I wondered what made him think about this and whether he was actually serious. So after my shift I came home and sat him down and asked him about his intentions - whether he really does want a baby.... I seriously broke it down for him.... that we had complication in the pregnancy with little tyke (pre eclampsia) and that it was possible with another baby. That barring any complications, we would have the baby in like July and then I would start consolidation/pre-grad placement in September so we wouldn't be able to wait. That if we didn't have a baby now then we would have to wait another 3 years (I want to get this thing afterwards that will mean I have to work 60-80hrs per week - just like a doc) and then that means that I will be high risk for a pregnancy. That we are not living on our own in our own house - we esentially have a bachelor room (one single large room - no separate bedroom). It was a pretty in-depth serious conversation. I knew what my decision was in the discussion but he wasn't so sure on his side. I told him that since it was a big decision that I would give him a bit of time to decide (3 days actually).... then the next morning I renigged and told him that he was only getting the day - and after my shift was done that we would have to talk again.

When I got home he evaded talking. Not a good sign but he sometimes plays hard to get. So then I asked him straight out what his decision was - his answer - "not at this time" - I was dumbfounded. HE was the one who had brought this whole subject up.... HE was the one who asked ME. I couldn't believe that he would do this to me. It's completely him crying wolf. He completely got my hopes up and then ran a knife right through them. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked and hurt that I started crying. It's something I try really hard to not do because I know that this bothers him - I didn't want him to change his mind simply because his decision had hurt me. I got up and left him there and went to try to collect myself and then went to bed. Nothing seemed to actually help though. I think I cried for another 45 minutes til my sleeping meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep.

I'm still raw and sensitive inside - I'm having difficulty allowing him to touch me (especially my belly), kiss me, cuddle - anything really intimate. I feel jaded. I feel swindled. I feel stupid. I should have kept my walls up. I knew that what he was talking about was too good to be true.

We're also making plans to go on a bitty road trip through Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, Missouri, Indiana (gonna go check out my university!), and Michigan again then back to my hometown for a beautiful six days. But how am I supposed to look foward to this when I just got gobsmacked. It's easier said than done. I suppose I have to figure out a way to pick up the pieces and continue on.

Oh, and I got back my marks - for my nursing course I got an A+ and for the music course I got an A - I'm certainly satisfied with those marks!!!

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