Thursday, July 3, 2014

Why does my kid hate me?!

Pre teen has been incommunicando for several days. Not like he ever tries to call me. As I've said before, I got screwed by the court system and so he lives with his father. Son hates my husband's family and so has been adament on not coming down here to visit. Last year (or maybe a bit longer) I gave in and said no more. So now the only time we see each other is when I go back to hometown for a visit. And even then, when I do make arrangements, he doesn't always choose to come to me for the entire time. It seriously hurts but I don't know how to make things any different.

For the last two days I've left messages on the voicemail for him to call me back, which he didn't and then yesterday I got an email from his father indicating that they were out of town and if I wanted to reach pre-teen that I could call the cell.... which is exactly what I did. To find out that they're in my neck of the woods. The last time that they were down here, he didn't call me then either. When I found out about this I told him that I would appreciate a call even and that I would try to get together for even a meal with him. Which he seemed receptive to.... so when I mentioned getting together for dinner he sort of stuttered and then said "okay" so I had him pass the phone to his father.... when I spoke with him I mentioned that he didn't talk to me about him taking him away from the hometown (as our court order indicates he's supposed to) but that I didn't want to argue with him about it anyways, but that I was simply pointing it out. I asked if I could take him for dinner and he said that he had talked to pre-teen about seeing/calling me while they were down in my neck of the woods and he said that he had told him that he didn't want to see me. BREAK MY HEART IN TWO!!!!

I didn't understand what I had done to deserve this. I know that he thinks I abandoned him when I moved south, but I did so for the sake of my safety and the security of my family. I also trusted his father that the agreement that we had taken over a year to make, that he would keep (boy was I naive and stupid!!!). But pre-teen doesn't believe a word of this and thinks that I just didn't want to be his mom anymore and that I was choosing my husband over him (not the case!).

so I asked to speak with pre-teen again and when he got back on the phone I gently called him out on it. He stuttered again and said that it wasn't "like you think it is".... well okay, how the heck am I supposed to take that?! I'm pretty sure it's everything I think it is! By this point I'm trying not to cry. My feelings were incredibly hurt and I didn't know what to say. I tried to get him to explain but he just clammed up and wouldn't discuss this further. He said that it was too difficult to talk over the phone and didn't want to do it that way. THAT I could understand so I let it be.

I tried to make plans for Saturday because I was to work Thursday & Friday (but I haven't told him I'm back at work because it's not something that I want to talk to him about and I know that that's information that will just go directly to his father and it's certainly none of his business!) so he talks to them for a minute and tells me that that's not possible. He said that he could do (now today) for dinner but I didn't know how to explain that I couldn't because of work.... which I explained that due to transportation I couldn't arrange it (partially true as we're having issues in this department ATM) and when that didn't work then I tried to explain that there were plans because of Ramadan (month of fasting) - but he doesn't see my religion as valid and so he didn't understand why those couldn't be changed.... then he broke down and started crying - which is difficult for any parent to hear - the kind of crying where the child is actually hurting, where's it's raw and not fake in any sense - and that just made me completely break down. So here we are in a stale mate, both sobbing... I ended up letting him go after we both calmed down a bit. Indicating that since Saturday couldn't work for him and Thurs couldn't work for me that I guess we couldn't see each other.

Once off the phone, I literally broke down sobbing. I love my son but he sure knows how to hurt my feelings! It kills me that we're apart but I also see how he's changing by being raised by his father and step-mother. Hubby sees me in this state and goes off on me about how he's not mine anymore and how I need to come to this realization (not helping matters!) and between sobs tell him to leave me alone! I called my BFF and talked to her (much more sympathetic!) and she helped me calm down. Then during that call the pre-teen calls back and tries to figure something else out. At this point I'm trying to see if we could do lunch or even breakfast one of the days when hubby comes back to me and wants to speak to me. I put pre-teen on mute for a min and hubby says that he thinks I should call in to work and book it off - take it as a personal day. So when I get back on the phone with pre-teen I tell him that I have figured some stuff out and would like to take him to dinner. So that's what the plan is, I just don't know yet where I have to pick him up. I only get him from 7-9pm.... and when I suggested that I would like to possibly take him for a dinner and a movie, I was told by his father that that wasn't ok that I could only have him until 9:30 at the latest. I mean, I'll take what I can get but I don't see why I'm not allowed to - what is he going to do after this point anyways?! I'm pretty darn sure that in the summer he stays up late regularly so I really don't see what the difference is - but clearly it has to do with me seeing him and they just want to control everything.

Problem is, what do I say about him not wanting to see me? Do I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, or just try to enjoy the time I get with him?

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