Something's happening to me

I'm a bit in denial. Have been for quite some time. When BFF was here it struck home that it wasn't just me thinking that I was off, she noticed it as well.

For the last year I have noticed that finding the "right" word has become difficult. In the last 3 months it's become a daily struggle. I'm finding my eye sight a bit off, as well as my hearing. Oh my hearing - I feel like I'm going deaf. Hell I feel like a hypochondriac. But are you one when others start to notice these things as well? I don't know. It's been really hard writing my papers for school because I'm struggling to find the word that I want but doesn't sound right in the sentence and having to use the built in thesaurus when I already know that i should know the word but it's not coming to me is frustrating. Writing this blog is frustrating at times as well because of this. How to you relate how you feel when you can't put it into writing (let alone speaking) - let me tell ya, I certainly can empathize with my aphasic patients!

When I "googled" the difficulty finding words thing = anostic aphasia is what they call it. And it turns out that it's not so great. Options open to me are lesion, tumor, or brain injury (AKA actual injury or stroke) - so ya not good options!

I was hoping when I worked this weekend that I would come across one of our neurologists and simply ask their opinion but alas I did not. I don't work until next weekend so it's unlikely that I would come across one then anyways. So I suppose that I have to make an appointment with my GP and see what he thinks. I know something's happening to me, I just have a hard time not expecting the worst (considering what I've been going through for the last 9+ months!).

Discharge papers received

So by the power received by the doctor in my hospital, I have been told to go home... tomorrow that is. Dizziness in crazy intensity is occuring - new symptom for me... but Dr doesn't really care.

I'm being put on prednisone to hopefully help alleviate or cure the symptoms I'm experiencing. The Dr consulted the neurologist on what to do for me - I think I've stumped them with what's going on with me. Hell, I'm stumped so why shouldn't they be?!

I'm not exactly looking forward to going home - I don't quite feel ready for it. My body feels "off" and still not back to normal and therefore I don't feel ready to leave here. Especially to take care of little tyke.

I had my first shower in like 5 days, I know ewwww gross right.... well I assure you, if I could stand upright for longer than a bathroom pee break, I would be having one!!! Almost fell over today when I was heading back to my room I was sooooo dizzy. But hey, that doesn't seem to matter to anyone until I actually FALL. Ridiculous really. Felt good to have a shower, at least I look like a proper human being now, and I don't stink at least (not that I did before, thank goodness for the invention of anti perspirant and toothpaste!).

The ONLY thing I'm looking forward to is that I can see my family - my hubby and my baby girl. Even though my little tyke is a handful (being almost 3 will do that!), I miss her dearly and love her to bits and pieces. Hubby seems to have actually missed my absence. Tho I suppose when the caregiver of the little one leaves, that makes more responsibility for him right?! So I don't really blame him for missing me :P Even tho I say that, I know that he misses me because he loves me - as I love him. He's my rock... just wish he would have spent more time with me while I've been in hospital - I've been really lonely considering he's spent VERY little time being with me. A couple of dinners here and there is about all. It hurts my feelings but what can I do? And I know that one might say that he has the responsibility of taking care of little tyke... well considering we live with his family, that's not necessarily a requirement since he can ask them to watch her while he comes to me. He has brought her with him a couple of times - I know that little tyke certainly misses me. When she's seen me, I still had the IV and so she was quite apprehensive about touching me cause I had a "boo boo".... VERY sweet and VERY innocent.

I also miss my own bed - tho I do like the electric aspect to the hospital bed - quite convenient at times!!! Certainly makes one more lazy when getting out of bed!

Long story short - I leave tomorrow AM, I'll know more about follow up then. I know that the Dr is giving me at least til Tuesday to recuperate and should I need more time then I have to see my family Dr. I guess that will have to do, it's not like they're giving me another choice in the matter!

NEVER EVER give up hope! 1% chance at living

Ok so I will preface this post by saying that this is about an actual patient of mine but am following PHIPPA rules and will not disclose information that someone can accuse me of violating confidentiality rules.

So a couple of weeks back I was given my patient assignment and one of them had to do with a woman who had a stroke. Now I work on a neurology unit so this isn't anything new to me. What WAS new for me was this patient was in a coma. That's not normal! Even in a stroke patient, it's VERY rare to get a patient on MY unit who is comatosed.

I spoke with the neurologist to explain to me why my patient is comatose and what the chances were of this patient #1 surviving and #2 waking up.

His answer to my question was this:
#1 - he asked me what I defined as "surviving" - which I told him, was living - with or without deficits (which I told him I knew she was going to have)

#2 - he then showed me her CT scan....

HOLY SHIT BALLLS!!!!!!!!!!!! If you saw this woman's CT scan you would have to wonder how this woman was even alive at this point!!! The neurologist showed me the CT scan from when she was first seen in ER and then the most recent one that was 4 days after.

COMPLETE right sided necrosis - the right sided artery that feeds that side was 100% blocked - the swelling had caused a midline shift (which even I knew was BAAAAAAAAD) of almost 2cm - please remember that one's head is NOT very big and therefore this equals BAD!!!!! Also, any space that the brain had (pockets if you would cause I don't know the exact terms), were taken up by swelling.... her brain had herniated DOWNWARDS and was pushing on her brain stem... again NOT GOOD!!!

When I assessed this patient - she had NO gag reflex, was aspirating her saliva, had no pain reflex, left pupil was blown, was in a DEEP coma.... I explained to this family that if she didn't die from her heart stopping or her breathing stopping, that she would die from aspirating the saliva. Let's just say that the family took the news HARD!!!!

Now it doesn't seem to me that the family is necessarily religious but BOY did that family absolutely believe this woman would pull through and survive. They understood that even IF she did survive that there would be GLOBAL, CAATASTROPHIC deficits, they were OK with this!!! When this was all happening, they were asking if they could take her back to her hometown.... but that they would NOT make her a DNR.... something that did NOT sit well with MANY of the nurses - or neurologists/physicians that have been involved with this lady's care. But hey, we're not here to pass judgement, but to give INFORMED choices!!!

Now, I haven't been able to be her nurse much since I had her as my patient but have kept tabs on her - the family and I have really bonded... they love me!!! LOL
They felt like I was the only one who was supporting them without judgement - which is exactly what I was doing. The other day her daughter saw me in the hall and told me that her mom was moving.... I could hardly believe it. So I asked her to demonstrate it for me.... I followed her into the room and SURE ENOUGH... she friggin moved! Now mind you, she could ONLY wiggle her fingers and toes - but would only do it if the family was speaking her language - a specific dialect. But move that woman did!

Well ladies and gents - I had this patient again - and was able to see her most recent CT scan - and no wonder she has come out of the coma - her herniation has decreased, not completely but certainly dramatically. Also, the midline shift has decreased significantly - which explains why her coma has lifted. Now, that's not to say that it's completely lifted, she can still barely open her eyes, hardly move her unaffected side and certainly can't speak yet - but she's reacting.... which just goes to show that even when clinically the picture indicates that this patient is a hopeless cause - DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!!!!!!!!! And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, give support and love and care for your patients AND their families!!!!