A little overwhelmed (again)

It's hard to look at the big picture when you see everything lying in front of you.

I started back at work. It was a good day. It felt right. Some even noticed that I was away which was nice. When I was away sick from the last place, hardly anyone would say anything. Hopefully it's a good thing that ppl care here to ask. Perhaps a friendship or two might actually develop - still to be seen.

But since I began again I got my schedule for work. I'm supposed to work every other weekend and then a day here or there. But when you see it all written down and then thinking about what this semester holds in terms of school work and due dates, it's slightly daunting.

I don't know how I've managed to work and go to school this entire time, I know I feel this same way every time. I don't know how I get through it. I know that I always do. But the feelings are difficult in the moment. I know I'm just feeling the crunch.

Goodness I can't wait until this is finished!

On a side note - hubby's family is pressuring hubby to go in on a house. In my mind, a little too late! The one BIL wants to get married, I know that he's no longer holding out because he doesn't want to bring his wife into a house where he doesn't have a space of his/their own. Hell, I certainly know how that feels - that's been my life for the last 7 years! But I also think that perhaps he should have to go through the hell that they've put us through.

I also think that bullying my husband is not the way to get what THEY want. I think that my husband and I should take priority when we make our next decisions. I think we've had our fill of his family. I'm ready to live on our own together without any of them. However, hubby has noted that they will emotionally blackmail him - about how they've "helped" us (FYI - not so much help when they make us pay a LOT to live here - and don't decrease those payments when one of us isn't working - nor is it like it costs that much for us to live here, so they're making out big time), and it's his "duty" to help them and how in their culture that family helps family. UGH it makes me sick. But I'm an "outsider" so I'm not allowed to say anything and when I do, they just yell and scream at hubby. I'm so ready to be away from them.

So ya, I have a bunch of stuff to deal with and when I feel it pressing down on my shoulders I begin to feel overwhelmed at all this.

Possible solution

I met with the specialty surgeon about my butt

I couldn't tell you how worried I was that she would tell me that the only choice I had available was the same as before - because clearly that hasn't worked out.

Unfortunately, this solution may wait 3+ months. I was told that unless I'm on the call-in list I could wait until spring for this solution to occur.

So what solution is this that is possible now?

I could be privy of a fistulotomy or a seton to have a meeting to discuss what the next steps would be - because the other options wouldn't be possible unless the seton was in place ~2 months.

This would mean more waiting if a fistulotomy isn't possible. However, fistulotomy would mean that my butt would be cut open and I'm sure that that would hurt BIG time.

Additionally, the doc made it seem like I would be back to school after several days - man does she not know how painful these things are! Or how cutting such a sensitive area up is also incredibly painful.

But really, I'll take painful for a small amount of time if it's dealt with permanently. Only downfall is whether I'm made incontinent (even flatus) because of this.

Hubby was all concerned about when this surgery would take place - he would prefer for me to have the surgery in 3 months - after my semester wraps up. Thing he doesn't get is that I have fairly understanding professors and who's to say that the next classes professor would be as understanding. I even said as much - which is why I now wait to go back under the knife.

Scared of failing

Two more terms left for school to be done

I've failed before

I'm scared of failing again

Of losing out on getting my BSN

It terrifies me actually because my future depends on it. I HATE living in this house. I HATE that my husband and I OR my daughter don't have bedrooms of our own. I HATE that I can't have a shower and walk around in just a towel. I HATE that I have to study or do my work at night time because we live here.

I'm scared that I won't get my BSN and that means no working in an ICU setting.

I feel like I'm in the spot where the other shoe is about to drop - I'm just waiting. That makes me INCREDIBLY nervous and I'm scared to half-death that I will not succeed.

I honestly think that until half way through November that I will feel like I've made it into the clear.

OMG I just want to be done and past this point. Man I hope I make it through this.

My abuse story - part 2

They took his ass to jail and I packed my 4 mos old to move in with my parents as I was told that if I stayed there CPS would take my child because I would be keeping my child in an unsafe environment. So I left this abusive environment and didn’t live with him from that point on. Because I was breastfeeding I didn’t have to share custody. But I had this friend who got it in my brain that my child would think negatively of me when he was an adult to learn that I didn’t encourage his relationship with his father. I took his father to court to get him to pay child support and in turn he wanted time with him – and the court system wouldn’t let me bring up the fact that his father was abusive towards me. So I had to share custody. He still manipulated me but now instead of doing so directly he would do so through my son. Although this would frustrate and irritate me, I didn’t feel like I have the ability to stop it. Hell, most of the time I didn’t even realize that I was being manipulated.

When I left him he was pissed. So to try to hurt me he started to date my good “friend”. He was even able to get this woman to go to the police and accuse me of assaulting her and I was charged because he backed her up on fake charges. It was me against them. He knew ppl in the police system and so it didn’t matter whether it was accurate. He even sent himself an email from MY personal email and then used it against me in the custody fight. I had no idea where it had come from but I couldn’t remember if I had sent it when I had been angry. But one day when I was going through my email looking for pictures that I KNOW I had sent myself and were gone – as were some emails that he had sent me when we were dating – and I just had this feeling that something was up. Eerily enough my mom and I were talking about her workplace and she mentioned that her boss’s son was just promoted to the sergeant of the new cyber division of the police force. It was like God had put this person in my path to help me cuz boy I was crying out for help by this point! I went to him and put forth all the information and he went to bat for me. We were able to connect the email that he used against me in court to the computer that he used – his personal computer and so he was charged federally with theft of personal information (and a couple of others that I don’t remember right now) because he went into my personal email without my permission (obviously) and sent that email.

Now, at that point I was still SOOOOO controlled and manipulated that he was able to convince me to contact the court and write a letter indicating that he should be shown compassion and shouldn’t go to jail!!! Geeze I was blind! I thought that I needed his child support in order to survive. I didn’t even think that there were things in place that would have supported me had I said anything to anyone! Because of my letter he got away with what he did (essentially) – he was found guilty but didn’t get punished really. Because when I took him to court later on, I wasn’t even allowed to use this information to just prove the type of person that he is, I wasn’t allowed to!

Anyways, it wasn’t until I met my current husband that he showed me how I was being manipulated and controlled. He was so frustrated that he put his foot down and said that I could only communicate with him by email because that was the only way that I was recognizing his bullshit and could feel like I could say no. My ex was seriously upset of this that he even threatened myself and my husband with being charged/arrested – entirely possible with whom he knew – because it’s entirely a “he said/she said” situation.

We felt unsafe and when I was pregnant with little tyke, we had the serious conversation about our future. We decided that we would move from that area because we didn’t want to live in fear. We didn’t want to have to always watch over our shoulder or have a body guard/babysitter. So we moved 7 hours away so where we could be safe but also still be able to get our degrees. The unfortunate thing is that the court system wouldn’t let me take my son with us and we had to leave him with his father – against our better judgement. My husband was right though who said that if we left him there that he would change and his father would manipulate and brainwash him and he was right. 8 yrs now we’ve been living where we are and I no longer see him down here. I only see him if I go back up there and if I go out of the house I always make sure that I have someone with me or else I don’t go out.

I tried to tell my son about what I've gone through (some of it) and because he's been so brainwashed by his father to think that they are so good but I am so wrong & bad - he doesn't believe me. I hope that as he gets older that perhaps he might see how things actually occured. I don't hold out much hope unfortunately. I guess we'll see.

Things about me 2016

Saw this on facebook and thought it was interesting, so here goes

Four names I go by

1. Deanna
2. Dee (which my husband hates and refuses to call me by!)
3. Hun (of course by my husband)
4. Diddler (my father's childhood nickname for me)

Four things I hate
1. Undercooked onions
2. Snoring
3. My son's father
4. Living with my husband's family

Three places I have worked
1. Med-surg hospital

2. Neuro hospital 

3. Metro/A&P grocery store

Four things I love to watch
1. Call the Midwife
2. Game of Thrones
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Gilmore Girls (I can't wait for the movie!)

Four places I have been
1. Cuba
2. Jamaica
3. USA
4. Canada

Four things I love to eat
1. Steak
2. Lasagna (my mom's)
3. Bacon - however, I can only eat beef bacon now which I found and tastes just like I remember
4. Skittles

Four favorite drinks (not water)

1. Tea
2. Ice tea (Nestea ONLY - not Brisk and not that crap that US ppl drink!!!)
3. 7-up
4. White hot chocolate

Four things I am looking forward to:
1. Finishing my BSN degree
2. Having more babies
3. Moving the hell out of this house!
4. Buying a house of our own

Four little girl names I want to name my next babies:

1. Sofia (hubby and I are in agreement with this one)

2. Emma

3. Ella

4. Tatiana (but it wouldn't go very well with the middle name we want for our daughters - Ammana - and having a LOT of girl names in my family that end in =ana)

Four little boy names I want to name my next babies: *** and hubby won't agree to any of these
1. Alexander
2. Noah
3. Gabriel
4. Peter

A little looksie into my life - hope it was interesting

My abuse story - part 1

Because of a blog-o-sphere friend’s struggle with abuse and sexual assault I’ve been thinking about this topic quite a bit and came to the conclusion that because of her ability to be so forthcoming about what she’s gone through I think it’s important for any women who’ve gone through these things should speak up so that others who have, know that they’re not alone. Also – for everyone to realize that anyone – regardless of whether you feel like you’re a strong person with high self-esteem or someone who struggles with this – can be manipulated and controlled and abused.

I was only a teenager when I was sexually assaulted – a guy thought he had the right to my body against my wishes. Who did things to me and made me feel like it was my fault that it happened because I was “too sexy” and I “teased” him and because we were “dating” that that gave him the right to touch my body however he liked. I was young (I think 15 or 16) and naïve – it’s not like my mom had had conversations with me about what to do if this sort of thing happened. Plus I have a VERY poor relationship with my mom and didn’t feel like I could broach topics with her – she was very NOT available! Hell, I asked her to go to counselling with me when I was 16 and she told me that she wouldn’t. She was a terrible communicator.

I was lucky in that I wasn’t raped so I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. But this thing didn’t help my self-esteem. I didn’t feel worthy and I felt dirty after these things happened.

Move a year ahead and I was fed up with the lack of attention and communication from my parents. I was an angry teenager. I thought I was “lucky” when I started dating the person who has been the bane of my existence ever since.

When we began dating I learned that he was “two-timing” me – that he was seeing another girl (one with whom I had a casual acquaintance with and whom my uncle knew and was quite close to as he worked with her dad) and I found this out from my uncle. I was naturally pissed but he was so “charming” that somehow he manipulated the situation and made it seem like he had recently cut it off with the other girl because he liked me more. At the time this pleased me – when instead it should have set off red flags.

Little by little this person infiltrated every aspect of my life. He would pick me up from high school and bring me home or we would go to his parents place and would drop me off at home afterwards. He would also drive me to work and pick me up after. At the time I thought this was awesome because it meant I didn’t have to take the school bus home or public transportation from his parent’s house. Afterwards I realized that he did this so that he could control this part of my life as well. That I became dependent on him for transportation.

Little by little he began to control when it was “ok” to see friends, who I could be with and for how long, etc… Before long the only time I could see my friends was when I was at school. In the moment I didn’t even realize it was happening – that my circle was getting smaller and smaller.

About the same time that this happened I moved out on my own – I was done with what/how my mom (in particular) treated me. And of course this person then used this to manipulate and control me by using money. Because he made more than I did per hour, he thought that I had to put up with what he would say and do. When I would make him angry (because frankly I have a loud mouth and usually tell it like it is) he would put his hands on me – he would choke me, he would push me, he would scream at me – he would belittle me and make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of having anyone’s love. He would use the fact that I had very little parental support or their attention to support his claims. That hell, if they wanted little to do with me (and they’re supposed to love me unconditionally) why would I think that I was worthy of love, support and attention from anyone else?!

I began to internalize these messages to think that I deserved this somehow. That my parents didn’t want me and therefore I was only worth the crappy attention that he was showering me with. That how he treated me was fair and deserved. He took what he wanted (physically) when he wanted. I had no control over this. I couldn’t tell you how many times he raped me. But he always made it seem like he had every right to do so. I also didn’t feel like I could do any better. I tried to take precautions to prevent pregnancy – that is the only thing I felt like I could control. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to end everything but I knew that it was important that I prevent pregnancy at least.

Unfortunately that last bit happened anyways. I couldn’t abort – I don’t think I could live with that decision. Adoption was something that didn’t seem feasible either. Also – he was pressuring me to keep the baby. He made it seem like keeping the baby was the only choice. However, he would also yell and scream at me saying I was to blame for getting pregnant. That I only wanted his money – that I got pregnant on purpose. By the time I was half way through we had moved in together and were married.

He abused me all through that pregnancy. I hoped that I would miscarry. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. I was so miserable that I gained 68 lbs and the upside of that is that I was no longer smaller and weaker than this other person…. It made it more difficult to abuse me – I started to stand up to him. I wouldn’t let him push me around anymore. I gave birth to a 9.1 lb baby and I couldn’t have been more afraid of this person in my life. Now it was real – I had another little person that I was responsible for their safety for.

Regardless of the fact that this little person was his son, he still abused me while I was holding him in my arms - all because I had made plans with my friend to go to a movie - a TWO HOUR MOVIE! He choked me, pushed me, hit and kicked me - all while I was holding a 4 month old. I was scared for my son's safety - I knew that if he was willing and going to hit me while this little innocent person, then he was only one step away from abusing this little person. THAT I wasn't willing to let happenand so I called 9-1-1.

Always the giver

I've talked about my immunity issues and the fact that I don't maintain my vaccination levels

So we did the only responsible thing and had little tyke's vaccination titers done - results are in - she has her mama's genes. I'm such a giver that I gave my child my issues (apparantly)

So it seems that in the 2 yrs that she's had her MMR vaccine - she has only intermediate results for mumps but still has full immunity for measles and rubella.

Hubby and I decided (with our Dr's input) that we would give her a booster in June then 6 wks later we would take her blood work to check whether it worked or if anything has changed - and we're also going to check her IgG, IgM, and IgA levels since we're doing the bloodwork then anyways.

Little tyke wasn't too happy to learn about this but she took it in stride. Such a brave little girl.

On Monday I have an appt with the fistula specialist - looking forward to hoping finding a permanent solution.